Nathan G-Chats me on Friday afternoon to suggest we start our weekend inhaling dumplings in Chinatown. During dinner, he tells me more about a girl he's just begun seeing. He's excited—they've just had their first sleepover on Wednesday, which is always nice. But he didn't sleep well in her bed. He'd been positioned awkwardly and was now nursing a kink in the neck. He's right.

A "happy massage" is a massage that ends with erotic contact between the client and massage therapist. Usually, there are tip-offs that erotic contact is on the spa menu—for example, an innuendo in the name of the spa. The spa menu also might be worded in such a way that seems off, such as treatments using terms such as "all-body massage," "tantric massage," "thigh massage," or "body-to-body massage. In the United States, a happy massage is illegal and is not performed at legitimate spas.

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Here he counsels a young Londoner about whether a happy ending at the massage parlor constitutes cheating on your significant other. My girlfriend's up the wall. About a massage. She's packing her bags, crying on the phone to her mom, swearing blue murder at me and, frankly, I can't make head nor tail of it.